Hitler Finds Out Michael Jackson Has Died

In bad taste and vulgar but funny.

Bad Writing Contest

This is the winner of the annual bad writing Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2009.htm

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

I Chat Calmly With a Conservative

This is too much fun.

He:

These turds are incredible. They wage an absolute unprovoked character assassination on all political enemies with little or no evidence, but demand their politicial and cultural heros be proven guilty in a court before admitting the obvious. These double standard laden morons are so completely twisted, so hypocritical and so sick I have reached the conclusion they are all mentally ill - seriously.

How is it these sickos get up in the morning and manage well enough to get through the day? Surely they must be locked up somewhere and given computer access only as a gesture of good will by their keepers....sick...sick...sick

Me:

Well, aren't you the one who is typing furiously from your mother's basement with you baseball cap on backwards and your jaw somewhat slack? Isn't it time to wrap up your homeschool assignment-- perhaps the Color the Ducky page? You do realize that political thought and discourse is an adult custom, and you still have a few years to go.

He:

I so enjoy these lame efforts at humor - all of which have been scribbled out before by your breathren....face it moron - you can;t defend yourself so you project your own lifestyle on others inhopes that it matters. You're just a case of empties, a phony and a wannabee charlatan who doesn't pack the gear to offer anything factual or at least original in your own defense...

Me:

Republican Whine List

Obama was not born in the US.
His birth certificate is a fake.
Obama is a muslim
Obama is an arab
Obama is a terrorist
Obama uses drugs
Obama bought the election
The 2008 election was rigged
Obama is trying to sell his Senate seat
He smokes cigarettes.
Remember when senators represented the public for state, national and international issues and were qualified to do that? Seems they were elected by the public, not appointed by some bureaucrat. It appears we now have acquired a "royalty" who believe in divine entitlement.
Obama fathered two black children in wedlock!
Obama is a fraud.
Obama will say anything and align himself with the lowest scum job Earth to get ahead.
Obama has dual citizenship and is disqualified of being president!
Obama is racist.
Obama asked for spicy mustard on his hamburger.
Obama's wife insults the poor with her choice of shoes.
Obama habitually thinks before he speaks. Very annoying.

He:

ZERo The Nothing is failing and N Korea would hate to loose him.
Yeah, every one of the leftist trash are sick and twisted, unfit to be called Americans as far as I can tell...

ZERo The Nothing, lying leftard ghetto trash crack head POS communist filth and the single greatest danger to America and freedom ever in the history of this nation.

Me:

I think you're foaming.

He:

I think that you are stupid, but than, stupidity is a prerequisite for being a leftard POS, isn't it?

ZERo The Nothing, lying leftist ghetto trash POS communist filth and the single greatest danger to America and freedom ever in the history of this country.

Me:

Isn't it time to launder your sheets and return to your kkk klavern?

He:

Seems like its time for you to get on back to your ghetto and business on your corner, crack head.

I think that you are stupid, but than, stupidity is a prerequisite for being a leftard POS, isn't it?

ZERo The Nothing, lying leftist ghetto trash POS communist filth and the single greatest danger to America and freedom ever in the history of this country.

Me:

What is POS?

He:

Are you a foreigner?

POS = Leftist = piece of shit..

Me:

Ah, so that what POS means. As a well-educated, church-going liberal, I find there is no need to resort to such gutter crudities to communicate. Naturally, our political superiority is in sync with our moral superiority.

He:

ROTFLMFAO.................know any more funny jokes? Thanks for the comedy.....lol

Me:

I think it puzzles and then destroys you when you realize the simple fact that Obama-- a black man-- is your intellectual, moral, and spiritual superior.

He:

ROTFLMFAO, again, your comedy is funny as it can be. Also full of untruths, first of which is the fact that ZERo is not a 'black man', his mother was a caucasian making him a zebra, bi racial, a halfrican-American, a mullato.ZERo, the Affirmative Action stooge is no ones 'intellectual, moral, and spiritual' superior, except for the stupid leftards that think that he is their 'Messiah'. You fools got snookered and all of America lost big time.

(Mercy! In the land of GOP, the man with one brain cell is king. So, at this point, I tip toe quietly, stage left, from this lovely thread.)

The Smithsonian Writes A Letter

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC
20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.

However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.

Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.

To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."

Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.

While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe Curator,
Antiquities

Lettermen and Palin

It may be my age, but I don't entirely get Lettermen, with humor that is more sophomoric and ironic than knee-slapping and funny. And Lettermen, unlike Leno and O'Brian and in an earlier era Carson, would not be the kind of person I would want at my BBQ. Nor would I want the right-wing, swarmy Dennis Miller either, who reminds me of the kind of creep who hangs out at adult stores or children's playgrounds. That said, I don't understand the sudden conversion to political correctness from the right with talk of boycotts and firings. So long as the advertisers get their numbers, neither Miller nor Lettermen are going anywhere. I've never seen such touching sensitivity from FoxNation on feminist or class issues. So here is my small suggestion to all those folks who are in a lather about either Lettermen or Imus, either Miller or O'Brian exercising their First Amendment rights:

TURN THE CHANNEL!

The Bagpiper Pays His Respects

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another:

"Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty-some years."

Gaze At the Dazzling World of Tomorrow

Don't Attack Obama's Dog

A lesson from history.

B & B's Mother Day's Greeting

This is a bit too close to home with my own Frick and Frack.

Play It Again, Kitty

Bill in Portland Evokes A Chuckle

Judge me on the content of my character, not the underwear on my head.

Give A Man A Fish

. . . and you have fed him for today. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment.

Tacky Weddings

Tacky Weddings

The Goose Drank Wine

With a nod to today's calender, here is a silly rope jump song.


Three- Six-Nine
The goose drank wine
The monkey chewed tobacco on the streetcar line
The line broke, the monkey got choked
And they all went to heaven in a little rowboat

What White People Like

What white folks like.

I must be about 10 percent white. I do like Wrigley Field and the Sunday New York Times.

David After the Dentist

Before Your Criticize Someone . . .

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

And Yet More Humor

History May See Lincoln-Like Greatness in George W. Bush

Cyanide and Happiness

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Calvin's Snowman

Ragging Shostakovich Symphony Number 5

The Ragging

If I Cannot Be Thin . . .

Girly Man Hinglish

"I'll eat wasabee on my dude. Cook the Chicanos day, mucho caliente. Mutton goes yay."

Yuppies, Puppies

Ha!

Itsy Bitsy Spider

Spider fun.

Animal Videos

Another reason why I like the internet.

Who To Marry

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids )

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you likesports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep thechips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you'restuck with .. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER bythen. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at thesame kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE D O ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynn , age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually getsthem interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 ( Martin is wise beyond his years)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess withthat.. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry themand have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- How ard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someoneto clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dumptruck. -- Rick, age 10

Happy Easter

http://home.att.net/~solos_holiday/2008/_011/egg.htm

A Good Cleaning

http://www.chunkysalsa.net/screenclean.swf

Shaving Cream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWFg5i9rE0M

Boo!