"Forgive and Move On"

So says psychiatrist Dr. Jennifer Melfi to mobster Tony Soprano in the HBO series "The Sopranos."

Good advice? Of course. But there are complications that come to light when we start asking a few questions.

What is the object of forgiveness? If it is someone else, do they need to in some manner recognize the basis the existence of the offense that requires forgiveness? My answer: It helps, but it isn't necessary. Even if it is someone else, do we need to at the same time forgive ourselves for nursing and rehursing those resentments? My answer: Yes, while at the same time not losing sight of the depth of real pain that we may be suffering.

While the ethics of forgiveness is found in all religions, Buddhism offers an interesting insight into the dynamic of forgiveness. " In contemplating the law of karma, we realize that it is not a matter of seeking revenge but of practicing metta and forgiveness, for the victimizer is, truly, the most unfortunate of all." Buddhists also encourage the development of disciplines that prevent the need for forgiveness is the first place, with emphasis of metta (loving kindness), karuna (compassion), and upokkha (equanimity).

How do you forgive? My answer: In some cases, as in those who are victims to horrific crimes, forgiveness comes only with time and struggle-- or not at all. At the end of the day, it must be an act of the will-- a desire to arise above the phantoms of hate and history. The medical and spiritual benefits of forgiveness are beyond dispute. So perhaps the question needs to be asked: Why do we have difficulty forgiving? My answer: For some people, be they victim or victimizer, forgiveness is a trivial act-- mere words.

Forgiveness, by itself, is of little use, especially if forgiveness in some way reinforces the original evil, especially if that evil is a function of some kind of authoriterian structure-- a disfunctional parent or a tyrannical ruler. Some people also feel better when they will not forgive. I believe that forgiveness can only occur in the context of justice and the development of personal character that is sometimes needed to ward off future insults to the soul I console myself that there is always a balancing out in life, and Emerson's essay on compensation has much influenced my view on this.

Every act rewards itself, or, in other words, integrates itself, in a twofold manner; first, in the thing, or in real nature; and secondly, in the circumstance, or in apparent nature. Men call the circumstance the retribution. The causal retribution is in the thing, and is seen by the soul. The retribution in the circumstance is seen by the understanding; it is inseparable from the thing, but is often spread over a long time, and so does not become distinct until after many years. The specific stripes may follow late after the offence, but they follow because they accompany it. Crime and punishment grow out of one stem. Punishment is a fruit that unsuspected ripens within the flower of the pleasure which concealed it. Cause and effect, means and ends, seed and fruit, cannot be severed; for the effect already blooms in the cause, the end preexists in the means, the fruit in the seed.

It is good to forgive. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you." But it is also hard to forgive. The imperative to forgive is the great challenge of our life.

I used to think that I was a very forgiving person, until I read a book about forgiveness - unfortunately I forget the name of the book - and realized that my forgiving someone was conditional on that person realizing that they had annoyed or upset or wronged me in some way and apologizing. Now I try to forgive unconditionally.

God bless!