Calvary Fellowship Homes

Mom and Dad




Their New Home

Mom looks as well as I have seen her in the last few months. Here is an excerpt from a letter from Dad, written from the home on May 19th.

Time brings change. This is certainly a significant transition in our lives. I will try to supply a few details of what has happened. You may recall that Lucinda was based at Dresher Hill rehabilitation center for almost a month. Then came the change. This past Friday, Anne and Wayne drove over to Dresher to pick mup Lucinda and the belongings she had there for the drive to Lancaster. It was raining and continued to rain through much of our journey of roughly 80 miles. But the Lord brought us to Calvary Fellowhsip Homes safely.

Lucinda has improved in her ability to feed herself at meals and I would say some progress in communication but still has quite a long way to go if she is to make the next step to assisted living.

We are thankful that God is committed to meet our needs. In the good book we read "having food and raiment, let us be content."

Dad

This entire process can be like a consuming gray fog. I think it is important to compartmentalize -- to enjoy your immediate family and pets and your hobbies and put aside if for only a few hours thoughts about assisted living and dying.

I was interested to read that Mom showed emotion as you were leaving. While I was there, I never saw that, no matter how many tears were shed around her. I see that as a sign of recovery. Getting better is of course a relative term, but when I called her yesterday, her voice seemed clearer and she is now articulating compound sentences. However, Mom's cognition is no where near where she was at her prime, as the CD poignantly demonstrates.

I hope Dad continues his weekly letters, both for the discipline and because they do communciate important information. We had to smile when we put the letter we got two weeks ago up to a mirror to read it because he put the carbon paper on wrong. (Who uses carbon paper today?)

When it comes time to sell the house, Dad needs to be elsewhere. He needs to be given ample time to get the things he wants and he needs to clearly understand that when he leaves with those suitcases of things for himself and Mom, we will dispose of everything else one way or another. It is part of the paradox that is Dad that he is so tenacious onto holding onto stuff-- often broken and bad stuff such as chunks of metal and sticks of wood. I tried to throw out a box of magazines circa 1989 and Dad of course recovered them. For someone who is so spiritual, I would be hard pressed to find someone who is so materialistic. For some one who has so much faith, I would be hard pressed to find some one who is so faithless especially about family. For some one who is so frugal, I would be hard pressed to find someone who is so prone to gambling (excuse me, investing) in the stock market casino. For some one who has preached the blessings of God, I would be hard pressed to find some one who has lived a life so devoid of joy and fun. For some one who is so fearless in his faith, I would be hard pressed to find some one so fearful about the vicissitudes of life. For some one who is so gentle and kind, I would be hard pressed to find some one who as a consequence of his decisions so cruel and callous. It is these contradictions that have driven me as nothing else has to question almost everything that Dad fundamentally believes especially it terms of what it means to be a Christian and a father. From the very first breath I took, my own life has been a testimony to Dad's monstrous choices. The very week before Mom had her first stroke, I asked her if it was true that I was induced so we could go on the ocean liner to America in time and not lose our tickets. It was true, Mom said, and she added that someday she would tell me about it. Well, that day will of course no longer be. However, I have seen time again Dad putting money before health (as in the needlessly lengthy arguments for Dad to go to the hospital for his hip injury and Mom when she suffered her first stroke), religious organizations before family and people (where is the Biblical justification for boarding schools and homes?), and an ethic that seems largely predicated on the idea that ends justify the means (my cuteness as a baby was a means to win people to Christ, for example). "Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the earth." But is some ways, in ways that have hurt a lot of people, Dad has not being honorable. I've talked to Dad about this, and his position generally is that he is who he is and I need to be tolerant of him. Ok, but it seems to me that contradicts the premise of his entire life-- that people with God's help can convert. I don't think he can change because I think he likes the way he is right now. Evil it has been said is the shadow cast by good, and the great good that Mom and Dad have done have created whether or not they realize it great evil, pain, and suffering as well. I have come to realize that Dad doesn't make bad decisions, as all decisions that Dad makes follow logically from his presuppositions. However, I do believe that he generally is incapable of making ethically-grounded decisions-- the right choice in distinction to the religious choice. Dad, for example, won't do laundry on Sunday but he also won't spend an extra $500 so Mom can right first class on an airline. I don't think much can be done about it now except to resolutely resolve not to pass that broken baton to my children. But it does make me so sad.

I chatted with Tim for well over a half hour yesterday. I tried to keep it light, reassurring, and encouraging. However, I suggested that he separate the mail he gets into junk mail, personal letters, and bills. Baby steps. I also urged him to extend trust and transparency on financial matters especially to Wayne so that a structure can be put into place so that he can avoid to use his word "destitution".