Thoughts on Parenting
I think part of being a parent is being sensitive and observant of your child's gifts and limitations. It's not necessary that your child excels in all areas-- only that she finds her niche. For many people, such as me and dad, it took well into our second decade of life.
I have come to realize that the theory that if you put your child into a presumably wholesome cohort of children, they will be shielded from negative influences. For example, if you encourage them to go to Sunday school or if they are in the band, they will be surrounded by high aspiring other children and parents. This is dangerous nonsense. These are exactly the kind of kids that, for example, deal in and use drugs. That isn't the answer. Nor is religious indoctrination the answer-- lots of church, nightly family prayers, Bible memorization and the like-- and that can in fact contribute to a child's despair and bitterness if it isn't coupled with positive parenting that leads to a bright vision for the child's future. I think much of how happy, secure, and successful a child is comes out of that child's family dynamics, and I've observed that such children come out of poor families and rich families, religious families and irreligious families. But they all have the same thing in common-- parents who are committed to go to bat for their kids through thick and thin.
I think about how I was when I was a early teenager-- kind of a lost soul-- and academically mediocre to say the least. It helped however to find adults that took an interest in me and inspired me to transcend myself. It also helped that I came to the realization that I could do much better than I had done-- I made a choice to act smart until I became smart. In a hat trick of personal psychology, the act became the essence! It also helped to experience a few failures that allowed me to pick myself up. This realization that I could fail and then succeed-- if necessary a dozen times-- gave me great confidence to navigate through life no matter what life threw at me.
I think the most important thing you can do for a child is to be a parent. Listen to her, talk with (not to!) her, and spend quality time with her (more movie nights!). Try to find out what her vision is for her life beyond high school. Ask open ended questions. Let her talk, not just about facts but about feelings. Be empathetic.
As far as the tactics of doing well in school, it took me into my college years before I came to realize that doing well in tests and catching the eye of the teacher is a learned skill, like any other skill, such as playing the clarinet. I believe "intelligence" doesn't exist-- it has as much reality to me as the tooth fairy. What does exist are actions and words, and we have a lot of control over both our actions and words.
I reject the notion that nurturing is the role of the mother. A plane cannot fly with one wing. A son or daughter cannot be the person they are destined to be with one parent engaged and the other parent AWOL. It's hard, thankless work, but that's the way it is.
Friends are the spice of life, but they come and they go. Uncle Reyn wrote about the influence of his mother of her eleven children-- she saw them all go to college during the Great Depression. She was adament that they do so, saying that "a good education is one thing no one can ever take from you."
I have come to realize that the theory that if you put your child into a presumably wholesome cohort of children, they will be shielded from negative influences. For example, if you encourage them to go to Sunday school or if they are in the band, they will be surrounded by high aspiring other children and parents. This is dangerous nonsense. These are exactly the kind of kids that, for example, deal in and use drugs. That isn't the answer. Nor is religious indoctrination the answer-- lots of church, nightly family prayers, Bible memorization and the like-- and that can in fact contribute to a child's despair and bitterness if it isn't coupled with positive parenting that leads to a bright vision for the child's future. I think much of how happy, secure, and successful a child is comes out of that child's family dynamics, and I've observed that such children come out of poor families and rich families, religious families and irreligious families. But they all have the same thing in common-- parents who are committed to go to bat for their kids through thick and thin.
I think about how I was when I was a early teenager-- kind of a lost soul-- and academically mediocre to say the least. It helped however to find adults that took an interest in me and inspired me to transcend myself. It also helped that I came to the realization that I could do much better than I had done-- I made a choice to act smart until I became smart. In a hat trick of personal psychology, the act became the essence! It also helped to experience a few failures that allowed me to pick myself up. This realization that I could fail and then succeed-- if necessary a dozen times-- gave me great confidence to navigate through life no matter what life threw at me.
I think the most important thing you can do for a child is to be a parent. Listen to her, talk with (not to!) her, and spend quality time with her (more movie nights!). Try to find out what her vision is for her life beyond high school. Ask open ended questions. Let her talk, not just about facts but about feelings. Be empathetic.
As far as the tactics of doing well in school, it took me into my college years before I came to realize that doing well in tests and catching the eye of the teacher is a learned skill, like any other skill, such as playing the clarinet. I believe "intelligence" doesn't exist-- it has as much reality to me as the tooth fairy. What does exist are actions and words, and we have a lot of control over both our actions and words.
I reject the notion that nurturing is the role of the mother. A plane cannot fly with one wing. A son or daughter cannot be the person they are destined to be with one parent engaged and the other parent AWOL. It's hard, thankless work, but that's the way it is.
Friends are the spice of life, but they come and they go. Uncle Reyn wrote about the influence of his mother of her eleven children-- she saw them all go to college during the Great Depression. She was adament that they do so, saying that "a good education is one thing no one can ever take from you."
Labels: children
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