Peer Pressure

Winnicott, my favorite pediatrician, said that there is no such thing as a baby but rather an infant in a symbiotic relationship with its caretaker, whether it is mother or father. So the baby is capable of experiencing positive input and opening up to the world or protecting itself from mistreatment by withdrawal.

Sometimes growing up super good is a form of warped development. You see some of the children of very religous parents who are totally compliant outside but devastated inside. Dobson's methods have been critiqued as giving rise to such people.

Years ago, I read something from the behavorial psychologist BF SKinner that influenced the way I raised my kids. He said something to the effect that if you give me a normal infant, it is in my power to turn him into a vagrant or a criminal or a doctor or really anything at all. I like to think we have more individual choice than that, but I think there is much truth in Skinner's observation. The power we have over the destiny of our kids is awesome and humbling.
When we were married a decade and a half ago, someone gave us Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline." At the time, I thought Dobson has some good insights. But his partisanship as a neocon apologist for radical Republicanism has eroded whatever credability he has once had, in my view. So last year, we donated his book to Goodwill and I no longer pay much attention to what he has to say about child rearing.

Yesterday, our family had lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. Our waiter was a student from the local high school, and with kids in middle school, we were curious about it. He mentioned they are knee deep in drugs, including serious drugs like heroin and ecstasy. So, I wanted to know, why is that so? He said that the district is awash in family money and boredom. Kids don't go to parties to do drugs. Rather, they are at parties where drugs at introduced to them through their friends. It is done out of impulse and simply because they can.

This was a conversation that gave me pause. How do you fight peer pressure? The answer isn't to ban your kids from friends and parties, and nor is it to fall to your knees to pray for God's protection. Rather, it is to build into them the conviction that they can make good or bad choices, something that is self-evident to me but not so much it would seem to me to a predestinationist. It means connecting with them, working with them to discover a transcending vision for their life, making it clear that they have a life beyond grade school, that choices effect behavior which effects destiny, that by not choosing they allow other to choose for them, and that they can take an active role in shaping their destiny. All of this of course is easier said than done. But at the end of the day I believe it means that parents need to stay engaged with them, supportive and curious about their lives and their peers, and provide a safe, respectful, and truthful environment where they can freely articulate their concerns and feelings.

Dr. Dobson's Threat

After two hours of deliberation, we voted on a resolution that can be summarized as follows: If neither of the two major political parties nominates an individual who pledges himself or herself to the sanctity of human life, we will join others in voting for a minor-party candidate. Those agreeing with the proposition were invited to stand. The result was almost unanimous.

Speaking personally, and not for the organization I represent or the other leaders gathered in Salt Lake City, I firmly believe that the selection of a president should begin with a recommitment to traditional moral values and beliefs. Those include the sanctity of human life, the institution of marriage, and other inviolable pro-family principles. Only after that determination is made can the acceptability of a nominee be assessed.

Full article here.

So do I. Alas, among the major presidential candidates, the one Republican has demonstrated fidelity to his spouse is the man whose ancestors had multiple wives. Sanctity of human life? Apparently this doesn't include torture and the tactics of shock and awe that have killed more than 3,800 Americans and untold tens of thousands of Iraqis. It also doesn't include unanamity on the use of capital punishment in America. The institution of marriage? Even apart from the GOP closet queens, Republican maurauders of small boys and large interns, amd conservative trollers for man on man sex in public bathrooms, I cannot fathom why anyone thinks the Republicans support pro-family values in light policies such as the extended tours of the National Guard and the president's vetoing of health care of children.

Of course, what Dobson means by the sanctity of human life is the eradication of abortion. That's like wishing that love and peace will prevail in Iraq. It's idealistic folly given what life really is. And why are there abortions? Could it not be that many of those abortions can be traced to the very same policies that conservative promote, such as an unfettered market place that markets filth from the most political conservative media outlets? And who are these people who are having the abortions? It's not the liberals, the atheists, the terrorists, the illegal immigrants. It's conservative Christians from Main Street USA who go to other conservative Christians on Main Street USA to have the abortions. Conservative are blind to the real issue, which has never been abortion but self-restraint versus promiscuity.