Peer Pressure

Winnicott, my favorite pediatrician, said that there is no such thing as a baby but rather an infant in a symbiotic relationship with its caretaker, whether it is mother or father. So the baby is capable of experiencing positive input and opening up to the world or protecting itself from mistreatment by withdrawal.

Sometimes growing up super good is a form of warped development. You see some of the children of very religous parents who are totally compliant outside but devastated inside. Dobson's methods have been critiqued as giving rise to such people.

Years ago, I read something from the behavorial psychologist BF SKinner that influenced the way I raised my kids. He said something to the effect that if you give me a normal infant, it is in my power to turn him into a vagrant or a criminal or a doctor or really anything at all. I like to think we have more individual choice than that, but I think there is much truth in Skinner's observation. The power we have over the destiny of our kids is awesome and humbling.
When we were married a decade and a half ago, someone gave us Dobson's book "Dare to Discipline." At the time, I thought Dobson has some good insights. But his partisanship as a neocon apologist for radical Republicanism has eroded whatever credability he has once had, in my view. So last year, we donated his book to Goodwill and I no longer pay much attention to what he has to say about child rearing.

Yesterday, our family had lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. Our waiter was a student from the local high school, and with kids in middle school, we were curious about it. He mentioned they are knee deep in drugs, including serious drugs like heroin and ecstasy. So, I wanted to know, why is that so? He said that the district is awash in family money and boredom. Kids don't go to parties to do drugs. Rather, they are at parties where drugs at introduced to them through their friends. It is done out of impulse and simply because they can.

This was a conversation that gave me pause. How do you fight peer pressure? The answer isn't to ban your kids from friends and parties, and nor is it to fall to your knees to pray for God's protection. Rather, it is to build into them the conviction that they can make good or bad choices, something that is self-evident to me but not so much it would seem to me to a predestinationist. It means connecting with them, working with them to discover a transcending vision for their life, making it clear that they have a life beyond grade school, that choices effect behavior which effects destiny, that by not choosing they allow other to choose for them, and that they can take an active role in shaping their destiny. All of this of course is easier said than done. But at the end of the day I believe it means that parents need to stay engaged with them, supportive and curious about their lives and their peers, and provide a safe, respectful, and truthful environment where they can freely articulate their concerns and feelings.